Close~Courters: Hilton Head's Most (un)Wanted

We recently returned from our annual family vacation to Hilton Head, SC. It's an upscale island we've chosen to expose to some redneck fun a couple weeks out of the year. We're generous like that.

I decided to kick off the week by getting a massage on the first day. I have a favorite massage spot and look forward to it every year. I called ahead and was told my therapist would be Peter. The good news is that Peter is an amazing massage therapist. The bad news is that Peter was the therapist I had last year when I'd gone without carbs for a month in prep for our trip, ate a pack of Oreos the night before my appointment and lay on the heated table for an hour, feeling my digestive system rebel with gurgling as I desperately clenched and prayed that my bowels didn't explode while Peter performed deep tissue massage on my back. Hopefully, Peter didn't recognize me this year with my completely relaxed butt cheeks.

Off to a smooth start. But when our condo phone began repeatedly ringing with hang-ups, a large yellow Caution sign appeared on our beach, and a sudden lightening storm cropped up while we were in the hot tub, all on the first day, I knew we were in for a typical week on Hilton Head Island.

This year, we escalated the hilarity by renting a tandem bike for Zac and me and learned the hard way that we needed to be in the lead position on our family bike rides because once we got on and started pedaling, we had very little control over the situation. That led to being the cause of two barely missed car accidents, getting flipped off twice and loudly bursting through a clearing of the woods onto a playground and realizing we just crashed a child's birthday party. Clowns are here, kids. On the return trip, the obstacle became trying to squeeze through the security guardrails of our resort. Individually, the bike fit through the crack, Zac fit through the crack and even I fit through the crack. So it's a complete mystery as to why the three of us as a unit crashed into the gate, every single time.

By the end of the week, we'd been caught in torrential downpours while taking Senior pictures of Aubrey...in a white dress...requiring us to sprint 30 minutes back down the beach, we'd single handedly turned our neighbors against us when Zac saw a flock of ducks near our patio and took chase before realizing the people above us were actually feeding them, and we witnessed people even more irresponsible than us setting off fireworks on the beach. I didn't think that was possible.

Yep, pretty normal stuff by our standard. But there was one incident that was an absolute standout this year. Just like last year, Zac donned his morph suit and stood outside one of the stores of an outdoor shopping center and pretended to be a mannequin, subtly changing positions or waving and enteraining the shoppers. Everyone loved it. Unfortunately, one of the employees called security. Caymen and I were sitting on a nearby bench keeping watch and I saw the security guard talking to the employees and looking in Zac's direction. We came up with a super-secret-unbreakable-code-phrase for just such an occasion. "Dude, Security." Complicated, I know. And with that, the chase was on. It was obvious this guy wasn't interested in giving Zac a friendly warning. This cop wannabe had a real life super cool walkie talkie on his shoulder and he was out for mannequin blood. He was living for a moment like this. This was his time to shine and later tell his family how he single handedly saved the entire island from a living breathing mannquin...who by the time he exaggerated his heroics, was armed and dangerous. I'm glad we could make his day.

In the blink of an eye, Caymen and I took off in one direction, Zac unzipped his hood and took off in the other direction, surrounded by Ron, Aubrey and Kearstin, and made his way to the parking lot. By the time Caymen and I jumped into our mini-van-turned-getaway-vehicle, Zac was stripped down to his shorts and we were just another vacationing family exiting the plaza, leaving the manhunt in our wake. Add "Successfully alluded the law" to his already impressive resume of life experiences.

The final touch to our week came on the last day when Caymen got stung by a jelly fish.

Looking back, I can say we learned 2 very important things this trip:
1. Street entertaining is strictly forbidden on Hilton Head Island.
2. Lifeguards keep a vinegar mixture on hand, which eliminated the need for anyone to pee on Caymen's leg.

Both of which we learned the hard way.

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