Monday, August 22, 2011
We spent our weekend at Family Church Camp. When things barely go smoothly in the safety of our own home, they go about as you'd expect when we go camping out in the wild....or in this case, our van.
This year the tents were filled to capacity. My in-laws were in one tent. Our girls were in the 2nd tent with both of our dogs. And Z and Nick were in the 3rd tent. That left my husband and I sleeping in our van, propped on cushions from our patio furniture, hatch wide open, with our box fan hanging on bungee cords blowing in on us, beside the comforting glow of the fluorescent blue light of the bug zapper. It's a redneck camper, people. And it was working out just fine until Chuckles got the bright idea to spray bug repellent through the fan in an attempt to coat our "camper" to keep mosquitoes away. That might not have been such a horrible idea if he'd done that before I lay down or if he'd even given me a heads-up of what he was planning so I could at least close my eyes. Enter marital dispute #1 of the weekend.
We awoke Saturday morning covered in a thin layer of dead moths. Nice. But things were looking up by the afternoon when we were having a blast at the lake. Paddle boats, a water trampoline and a water slide are just a few of the fun activities. But the big hit every year is the giant "Blob" in the middle of the lake. Basically, it's a huge mattress of air at the base of a platform. Person #1 sits on the end of the mattress. Person #2 jumps from the platform onto the other end of the mattress and bounces person #1 into the water. Sounds fun, right? Well, not if person #2 outweighs person #1 by 150 pounds. Which brings me to marital dispute #2....
Someone, who shall remain anonymous but his first name is George, bullied me into allowing my husband to blob me. His bullying was disguised as "encouragement" with phrases like, "It's only water" and he even went so far as to loan me his life vest for "full coverage" against back smackers.
I listened carefully to all the lifeguards instructions: Lean forward, keep your head up, keep your legs down, stay straight as a pencil and drop feet first into the water. Got it. I was a gymnast. I was a cheerleader. I pride myself on having control of my own body. So I nervously sat on the end of the blob and listened as my husband loudly counted to 3.
Here are the things the lifeguard should have told me: Between the sound of him yelling 3 and the time he actually lands on the blob will be an eternity of dead silence as your mind suddenly grasps the possibility of your own untimely death. The silence will be suddenly broken with a loud "POOF" that sounds like you've been shot. You'll then be catapulted into the air where your mind will go numb, your body will take on movements of it's own and you'll lose all control of your bodily functions. Finally, and most importantly, keep your eyes and mouth closed to avoid hitting the water face first with your eyes bulging and your mouth wide open in a silent and useless scream.
I smell a lawsuit.
The good news is, the remnants of bug spray was immediately washed from my eyes. The bad news is, I think I swallowed a fish, my inner thigh is severely bruised, my eye became slightly discolored and my marriage is suddenly on the rocks.....all in under 30 seconds.
We survived to see Sunday morning when the only eventful thing that happened was that we couldn't find our dog, Axel. Our family spent the next several minutes loudly calling her name. "Axel! Axel! Axel!" And she came back. As we packed up to go home, a friend from a nearby camper approached us with a question...."Did you guys really name your dog Asshole?"
Welcome to church camp.