Life is exhausting.
When I referred to myself as 'drained' in 2 separate emails to friends today, I realized that I'm tired. On every level. I'm just kinda tired.
Physically: I'm kinda tired of always wanting to lose 15 more pounds. I've lost 10 since Christmas. Anyone who can do 2nd grade math would think that I want to lose 5 more. But I don't. I want to lose 15. I'm kinda tired of portioning out my Brummel & Brown butter that's not really butter but rather yogurt in a margarine tub (45 calories per tbs) as I spread it onto one slice of toast made with Aunt Millie's Healthy Goodness bread (35 calories per slice) and topped with sugar-free strawberry preserves (10 calories per tbs). And now that I mention it, I'm kinda tired of counting calories. I'm not even gonna mention how tired I am of exercising. Physically, I'm just kinda tired.
Emotionally: I'm kinda tired of feeling like I never quite measure up to the expectations of others. I'm kinda tired of treading lightly for fear of unknowingly falling short of meeting a need. I'm tired of knowing that, although there are 2 sides to every story, mine will always be the un-told version simply because I've come to despise conflict. And I'm kinda tired of feeling obligated to defend decisions we make and allowing the misery of others to taint my joy. Emotionally, I'm just kinda tired.
Spiritually: I'm kinda tired of feeling like I've finally broken free from an area of bondage, only to come face to face with the next obstacle that God wants me to overcome. I'm tired of the 'high road.' The road where regardless of how you're being treated by others, you're expected to keep a loving smile on your face and ignore the pain as you repeatedly turn cheek after cheek, for fear of damage to my testimony should I ever defend myself. And I'm really tired of every single verse in the Bible applying to me! Change here, grow here, adjust here and while you're at it, hold your tongue throughout the process. Spiritually, I'm just kinda tired.
So tired, in fact, that lately I seem unable to find any words to pray about the worries and situations that are making me so tired.
Okay, I'll stop before I cross over into a pity party or heaven forbid shift into 'martyr-mode'.....my deepest apologies if I've already gone there.
But today I'm taking a little break. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Fear not, I haven't gone off course. Tomorrow I'll joyfully measure out my fake butter and spread it onto my tiny piece of grainy bread and know that it'll be worth it when I finally lose those 15 pounds. Tomorrow I'll remember that it doesn't matter what others think or say about me or even how they treat me because there's only One I answer to. Tomorrow I'll turn my cheek with the knowledge that my testimony is worth protecting at all costs. Tomorrow I'll remember that it's my actions I'll answer for and that God knows both sides to every story and tomorrow that will be enough for me. Tomorrow I'm gonna pick up my Bible and covet each and every verse that applies to me, because it'll remind me that my heavenly Father loves me too much to ever give up on me or to allow me to stop growing because He truly wants what's best for me. And tomorrow I'll be back on my knees and praising my Father who knows my thoughts and my heart regardless of whether any words come out of my mouth. Tomorrow.
I'm not off my path. It's just that today I'm gonna sit here and rest for awhile. Because I'm just kinda tired.