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Saturday, April 6, 2013

G.I. Jipped.


(((WARNING)))  This review of the G.I Joe movie contains what you might call a Spoiler Alert.
I, on the other hand, call it a Deal Breaker and would want to know.  Your call.

G.I Joe Retaliation
Rated:  PG-13
Starring:  Dwayne Johnson, DJ Cotrona and Channing Tatum
(As listed on the official website.)

The Premise:  The G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardize their very existence.

Or as women read it:  Blah blah blah, Channing Tatum, blah blah blah.

I knew nothing about this movie until 3 weeks ago when my husband asked, "Do you want to see the G.I Joe movie?"  In my mind that screamed Little Boy Cartoon so I said, "Why would I want to see that?"  He said, "It's starring your guy.  Channum Panning."  Dude, show some respect...and of course I want to see the G.I Joe movie, don't ask ridiculous questions.

Tonight was the date night I'd been waiting for.  I wore my tightest jeans and teetered the dangerous cleavage line.  It's what Channing
stalkers fans do.  When I excitedly handed my ticket to the worker, he said, "Ahhh...you're the shoot em up type."  I said, "Actually, my husband is the shoot em type.  I'm here for Channing Tatum."  He handed my ticket stub back and said, "Oh. I'm sorry."  That's what we call a Red Flag, but in my Channing-induced excitement, it went right over my head.

Pay attention, ladies.  This is an important piece of information you won't see on the previews.  The Channing Tatum character DIES IN THE FIRST 30 MINUTES OF THE FREAKIN MOVIE!!!!!  The ole 'bait and switch' and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I sat in my seat stunned before working my way through the 7 stages of grief in warp speed...Shock & Denial; Pain & Guilt; Anger & Bargaining; Depression, Reflection & Loneliness; Reconstruction & Working Through; The Upward Turn; Acceptance & Hope.

I was speechless and sat there hovering somewhere between Reflection & Loneliness and Working Through when out of the blue, The Upward Turn appeared. 

See the guy in the white suit on the far right of that picture at the top?  Well, 15 minutes after they violently ripped Channing Tatum away from us, that guy took his shirt off.  Might not sound like that big a deal.  It is.  And suddenly there was Acceptance & Hope. 

I've gotta be honest.  It was a good movie.  One of those movies I didn't totally understand, but would like to see again to pick up on more details.  But the bottom line is, I feel misled.  False advertising is not something I can condone.  They lured me in there under false pretenses and I'm left to work through the betrayal of it all.

Oh gosh, I've slipped back into Anger & Bargaining.
Quick!!!  Upward Turn!!!  HURRY!!!

My grade for G.I Joe Retaliation:  A..for Abs...



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