Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Consider me shocked
Fact #2: If something hurts bad enough and long enough, I'm willing to try anything to make it go away.
The pain in my left hip is the by-product of a woman who takes up running at the age of 39. It now serves as a daily reminder that I'm on the downhill slope to 41.
Will the pain go away if I stop running? Yes.
Will I stop running? No.
That leaves me few options. I've seen a Chiropractor, but that was a temporary fix and the pain returned. If I could get a massage every day, it would eventually go away, but who can afford that? Although I am a Massage Therapist, unfortunately I'm unable to contort myself to properly reach the problem. So I've been living on muscle relaxers, ice, heat and stretching treatments. Those bring relief, but it doesn't make it GO AWAY.
Desperation sent me to our neighbor's house this week to borrow her TENS machine. Short for, Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator. Code for, Electrotherapy. Or in other words....electrocute my own ass. Sign me up.
I knew one of two things. My husband would either want nothing to do with this process or worse, he'd want too much to do with this process. So I waited until he left the house to hook myself up. I lay on our bed and stuck the 4 large round electrodes to the top of my left butt cheek where the pain originates. Then I lay holding the control box and praying what I was sure would be my final prayer before electrifying myself straight to meet my maker face to face.
I might know what it feels like to be on death row now.
With the turn of the knobs, and a panicked scream, electrical currents started pulsing into my butt. Not entirely unpleasant. So I cranked it up, yelled "Son of a ____" and cranked it back down. Turns out, it can be unpleasant.
I left it on for about an hour and took it off when paranoia of long term twitching, drooling and/or lack of bladder control entered my mind.
There was only one noticeable side-effect that was discovered shortly after crawling into bed with my husband when he said, "Crap! Your butt just burned my fingers!"
Cool. I've always wanted a hot butt....
*This just in: Do NOT pee with electrodes attached to your ass. One stray splash and your teeth will chatter for 8 whole seconds.
Knowledge is power, people.