Monday, July 5, 2010
Jello. It ain't what it used to be.
A run of the mill July 4th cookout includes an assortment of grilled meats, tons of delicious side dishes, a table full of tempting desserts and Cornhole (a must). Occasionally, but not always, there's a supply of alcohol. Although my husband and I don't drink, we're not offended by the presence of a coolor full of alcoholic beverages. (Okay, I did take up drinking to get through the Marriage Retreat, but that was strictly out of necessity.)
At our first stop of the afternoon, when K ran up and excitedly announced that someone brought jello shots, I explained that it was alcohol and told her not to drink any. No big deal. As the afternoon progressed, most everyone was gathered in lawn chairs outside, except for A, who was sitting inside with C who was asleep on the couch. It was 4:30 and we had to leave around 5:30 to get to our next cookout, so I went inside to relieve her and allow her more time to visit with our family. As I was sitting with C in the cool quiet house, I began eying the desserts, trying desperately to stick to my diet, and failing miserably. Then I noticed 3 colorful plates full of jello jigglers cut into nice big squares. Green, yellow, and red.....mmmm......isn't jello the guilt-free-go-to-dessert of 'The Biggest Loser?' Perfect.
I'm sure you see by now where this is going, so let me justify to you (and myself), why I didn't associate the Jello squares with the Jello shots.......they weren't in little cups, okay?!?!? And who cuts alcoholic jello into fun sized jigglers and leaves them out for the chubby dieter to see?!?!
So I started working my way slowly through the plate of red ones. Funny thing is, the more I ate, the more I wanted. Of course it all makes sense now, hindsight and all. When Z came inside and found me, there were a total of 3 left. (I'd have to guess that means I ate somewhere between 12 and I don't know of them.) I looked at him with my dilated pupils and asked him if he tried the jello. He gave me his best 'Jim Halpert' face and said, "Nooooo, but you tried the jello, didn't you?" It didn't take long to notice the strange way my lips were burning.....or maybe 'felt like they were on fire' would be a more accurate description....and my tongue not only felt huge but fuzzy.
My concern was having to explain to K that I just swallowed the very shots she was forbidden to enjoy. My husband's concern was that our next stop was the church picnic and I was sloshed. Z became my designated driver and ten minutes into the drive to our next stop, I fell asleep. (aka; passed out.) I woke up an hour later in a pile of my own drool to my husband lightly smacking my cheeks and assuring K that "Mommy's okay, she's just drunk." (Must we tell them everything?)
Other than my jittery eyes and occasional mispronouncing of words, I did okay the rest of the evening. I ate and drank plenty of water and had a wonderful time visiting with friends from both past and present and I'd like to think I pulled it off. Until the drive home when I suddenly heaved and my husband yanked the van to the side of the road and practically tossed me out. While I vomited outside my door he used it as a teachable moment for our kids as to the dangers of drinking. (One more memory for our kids to tell their therapist someday.)
I guess I'm just a lightweight and can't hold my jello like I used to. I'm currently experiencing my very first hangover and there's not one thing appealing about it. I came close to posting about this last night, but decided it might be a dangerous combination to drink and blog. Oh well, it's a life experience. Hopefully my kids learned something from this and I know I certainly did.....I now know why those 'Biggest Loser' contestants eat so much $%&# jello.