Sweet 16 and Fab 5

Around here, March is all about Birthdays and Basketball.

I plan birthdays.

My husband watches basketball.

This year, A turned 16 and C turned 5. Pretty big milestones for each of them.

When Z turned 16, we took a family trip to Tennessee and experimented with the adventures of Indoor Skydiving. Basically, you wear skydiving suits, stand inside a very loud wind tunnel until a man you pray is a professional, takes you by one arm and one leg and jumps you both into the air, where ideally, the simulated wind catches your suit just right and you go spinning high into the air past the viewing windows where your husband and traumatized toddler watch Mommy fly past with her eyes squeezed tightly closed behind her giant goggles and her mouth open in a silent scream. And that's "ideal." Your less than ideal scenario is that the wind doesn't catch your suit properly and you either crash into the wall or land with a thud at the base of the tunnel and see the instructor signal the controller to increase the wind to get Mommy off the floor.
Code: Bump it up to hurricane. Oh the things we do for our children.

A decided she would also like to take a trip and try Zorbing. We agreed. It's booked. Then I googled it. In June, I'll be strapped into a giant rubber ball and sent rolling down the hills of Tennessee. Coming soon to a blog near you.

In the meantime, her birthday weekend included her meal of choice, which was the Red Lobster inspired 4-Course Feast and the following day we went swimming and up to the Lake to eat at a dirty little bar that literally leans to the side causing you to sit at an angle to eat GIANT cheeseburgers. Oh yeah.

One week later, my baby C turned 5. Her obsession with Laverne & Shirley reruns made her party planning easy. Bowling Alley, Pizza, Scooter Pies, and bottles of "Shotz" (root) Beer. I contacted a friend who made her a poodle skirt and monogrammed shirt (thank you, Alison!) and then I set to work planning the party.

Obstacle #1: Per bowling alley rules, absolutely no outside food or drink was permitted to be brought into the bowling alley for the party. The only exception: A birthday cake.
How do I host a Laverne & Shirley party without Shotz Beer? Easy: You disguise them in gift bags and then apologize to the parents for sending their young children home with glass bottles of what appeared to be alcoholic beverages.

Obstacle #2: I don't have the personality to allow an easy party to be easy.
Rather than simply buying or making a birthday cake, I opted for double stacked cupcakes on top of a cone and iced to look like giant soft served ice cream. Three hours and five tubs of icing later, I had 24 beautiful creations that did indeed look like soft served cones. SCORE!

Obstacle #3: Transporting 24 giant top heavy creations.
I'll spare you the dirty details of the profanity filled 15 minutes it took to drive to the bowling alley, but when we arrived, we were each holding hand fulls of dented, finger printed and leaning towers of the messiest looking ice cream cones you've ever seen. Our guests met us in the parking lot and helped us out.

So our party walked into the bowling alley carrying what appeared to be 24 giant melting ice cream cones after being strictly forbidden to bring in food. We are nothing if not excellent at first impressions.

Many dressed the 50's part and we had a blast. Two hours later, we left with our bouncing icing covered 5 year old and breathed a sigh of relief. My husband, ready to return to his evenings of basketball and I, happy to have pulled off a successful birthday party, despite the obstacles.

My head hit the pillow with a self-proclaimed-mother-of-the-year status and a determination to finish out the month profanity-free.

And then it hit me. We forgot to sing Happy Birthday.

Shit.

Just in case you wanted my opinion: My Movie Review

Rarely do my husband and I go see movies in the theater, but between our Anniversary and Valentines Day, there seemed to be some good ones, so we took advantage of the celebration season and splurged on a few. When people started asking my opinion about the movies before they spent their money, I thought a blog entry might be in order.

(((WARNING))) This might contain what you might consider a "Spoiler" or two. I'll try not to give anything major away.

So let's begin. (In the order in which we saw them.)

Contraband
~ starring Mark Wahlberg~ Rated R
It's an action-thriller about a guy who left behind the world of crime, but finds himself sucked back, in a desperate attempt to save his family. It'll have you sitting on the edge of your seat in suspense and, if you're anything like me, rooting for Mark Wahlberg no matter what he's doing on the giant screen. If you're a fan of The Departed, you'll appreciate this gritty movie. It's real and you leave feeling like you actually saw a glimpse into the underworld of drugs and corruption. If you're appalled and offended by any and all use of the f-bomb, you won't be a fan. Here's my stance on the f-bomb in movies. When a movie is full of it simply to add to it's raunch, I can't stand it. (ie; The Change Up) No thank you. But when it fits into the story line (ie; The Departed) it doesn't jump out at me because it's expected there.
My Grade for Contraband: A+

Man On A Ledge
~starring Sam Worthington & Elizabeth Banks~ Rated PG-13
It's an action movie about an ex-con who creates an aversion on the ledge of a building while a diamond heist is being committed to prove his innocence, all while a Police Psychologist tries to talk him down. First of all, if you know who Sam Worthington or Elizabeth Banks is, you're several steps ahead of me. I would have preferred people more well known who I would have actually cared about. So to me, their characters weren't very likable. Also, if you're the type of person who needs the movie to be extremely accurate and realistic, this is not for you. But, if you go to a movie to be entertained, enjoy a few twists and turns in the plot and a sprinkling of humor, you'll find yourself enjoying this one.
My Grade for Man On A Ledge: B+

The Woman In Black
~starring Harry Potter~ (Admit it, you don't know him by any other name either.) Rated PG-13
They classified this as "Horror" but I'd label it more "Suspense." It's about a young lawyer who travels to a small village for business, but finds himself confronting a ghost who's targeting the village children. To me, this wasn't horror. I mean, it wasn't pleasant, but I wasn't screaming and hiding my eyes from bloody gory scenes, either. But when a movie is set back in the time of horses and buggies, using candles for lighting, featuring creepy old time children who blankly stare at things both seen and unseen while surrounded by their creepy old toys, you've got a recipe for suspense. And you might not think so now, but a dark quiet room with a sudden outburst of a toy monkey springing to life in a creepy dance has the potential to make you jump in your seat. (Um, not that I did.)
My Grade for The Woman In Black: A

Safe House
~starring Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds~ Rated R
They labeled this "Action/Crime/Mystery." I label this "Pointless & Predictable" and it pains me to say that, because I consider Denzel Washington and I to be tight. It's about a young CIA agent who's in charge of a fugitive in a, yep you guessed it, Safe House. But shortly into the movie, the Safe House is broken into and the running, chasing, fighting and killing begins. For the first half of the movie, I kept leaning over to my husband and whispering, "What's going on?" And he'd shrug. Not a good sign if he doesn't understand it either. And whereas, in almost all of his other movies, I'm rooting for Denzel to come out on top, in this one....(((SPOILER ALERT)))....I was happy to see him die. One less person confusing the plot, ya know? By the time we put together what was happening, he and I both could have told you how it was going to end. No different than any other movie ever made about corruption in high places. All hype, no delivery. *Yawn*
My Grade for Safe House: D-

The Vow
~starring Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams~ Rated PG-13
If you haven't heard of this Chick-Flick, you've been living under a rock. But if you've accurately heard about this Chick-Flick, I'd be surprised. My understanding of this based-on-a-true-story movie, was that it was about a young married who were in a car accident, which led to her memory loss of who he was and the journey of how he helped her fall back in love with him. The day before I saw the movie, they had the real-life couple on The Today Show and their story was so sweet and I was excited to see it. (And hello? Channing Tatum, anyone?) But the story actually centered around her manipulative parents who she'd been estranged from, but who used her accident as a means of rewriting history and regaining control of her life, while alienating her husband completely. Yes, they showed a few of his attempts at restoring the marriage, but it ultimately led to the.....(((SPOILER ALERT)))....signing of Divorce Papers and HER journey back to the place that led her to him in the first place. Um, don't remember seeing that little detail in the previews. Not to mention the unrealistic factor of waking from a coma, a guy that looks like Channing Tatum telling you he's your husband, and having a problem with that?!? I think in this case, casting worked against them.

BUT...and by "but" I mean "butt"....Channing Tatum's bare behind makes an appearance which bumped My Grade for The Vow: from a C to a solid B-

Stay tuned for a Review about 21 Jump Street, starring....(drum roll please)....Channing Tatum, due out March 16th. (See Trailer Here) This one definitely looks more like my cup of tea.

Joyce Meyer Strikes Again

Yep. Her advice for "enjoying everyday life" bit me again. This time, it was in the form of a 2 part message on jumping to judgement. The lesson was to stop reacting to any situation right away, but instead take some time to seek how God wants you to react.

I thought I learned that lesson 2 weeks ago. We received a voice mail from the lunch lady at school informing us that we had "a situation" to discuss. Of course we assumed it was Z because if there's going to be "a situation" in the school cafeteria, he's not only going to be involved, but probably be the ringleader.

After talking to the lunch lady, I found out it didn't involve Z at all, but rather K. She'd already left for school and I sat fuming about her punishment and I couldn't believe I'd have to wait 7 hours to deal with her. I even text Z and instructed him to "tell her she's in big trouble when she gets home." He text back, "No. I don't know what she's done, but it serves no purpose to upset her at school."

I hate it when teenagers show more maturity than I do.

Over the course of the day, I calmed down and did some praying. Miraculously, by the time she stepped off the bus, I was in a state of mind to have a rational conversation with her and we together came up with an appropriate punishment that suited the offense, as opposed to my original idea which was to ground her until the lunch lady retired.

So as I listened to Joyce Meyer yesterday, I arrogantly nodded my head and agreed that being slow to react worked for me 2 weeks ago and I pompously pictured myself teaching those who hadn't yet learned what I'd already mastered.

A mere 5 hours later, a series of events happened and I totally blew it.

My downfall started when our daughter, A, who is just weeks away from turning 16, asked if she could turn our mini-van around in the driveway. What could go wrong? Three minutes after walking out the door, she returned sobbing and telling us she hit the brick post beside our house. I stopped and prayed so that I would react appropriately. I started yelling, threatened to use her youth group fundraising money to pay for the damage and then posted what she did on my Facebook without asking her permission.

Fifteen minutes later, while my husband and son worked on our demolished bumper, I turned around to see 3 of our barn cats involved in some sort of mating ritual. I stopped and prayed so that I would react appropriately. I ran stomping my feet wildly toward the cats loudly yelling about having a daughter who totals our van in the driveway and cats who desecrate our garage.
I bet our neighbors love us.

Three hours after that, I walked into the kitchen to witness one of my family members lick the peanut butter off of a knife and then dip the licked knife straight into the jelly jar. I stopped and prayed so that I would react appropriately. I flew off the handle and gave an over detailed account about germs and left the room with a dramatic sigh of disgust accompanied by my infamous eye roll.

When I said before that my downfall began with my daughter asking to turn the van around, I was wrong. My downfall began when I gave Satan a foothold with my arrogant attitude about having already mastered a lesson that I'd only begun to even try to work on. And my family paid the price when they had to put up with my explosive reactions.

I've since asked for my daughter's forgiveness. She was gracious enough to not only forgive me, but to allow me permission to share the story on my blog as an example of my mistake, not her's.

As for the cats, no apology necessary. And as far as I'm concerned, same goes for the person who defiled the family jelly jar. There are some behaviors that deserve some immediate stomping of feet and lessons in the growth of bacteria.

That leaves me with what to do about Joyce Meyer. Clearly, her lessons have the potential to stir up some trouble for me and in the grand scheme, my life is actually going smoothly right now and for the most part, I'm living in peace. But I'm a work in progress and I obviously have a long way to go, so I turned an episode on this morning. Her message began with how we need to bless people who treat us badly.

Oh, he** no. I'm not going there today.

*Click*

iDumb

I don't understand technology. As a matter of fact, I don't understand the inner workings of much of anything.

A few weeks ago we changed over to a Geothermal Furnace. What does that mean? No idea. If you ask me, the only difference between our old furnace and our new furnace is that warm air blows out of our vents now. That's nice.

A few months ago we bought a new fancy washing machine. I'm completely baffled by it. I never hear water running. I never hear water draining. I never hear it spin. The only sound it makes is the occasional Click. I've tried popping in during the middle of a cycle. Click. One day I tried standing there through an entire cycle. Click. Click. Click. It was halfway through when I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the washer lid and realized I looked like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" right before he started throwing a ball against a wall and repeatedly typing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." I forced myself to walk away.

So it should come as no surprise that I have zero comprehension of my iPhone. Don't get me wrong, I know how to use my iPhone. I love my iPhone. I feel naked without my iPhone. My iPhone makes me feel complete. It's become this strange little extension of my body that I don't understand, but think about a lot, and could never live without. (Insert inappropriate comparison to how men might feel about their man part....minus the need to scratch it....here)

That brings me to what happened here today. I was sitting in my recliner, wrapped in a quilt, enjoying my bowl of coffee while I watched Joyce Meyer. Today's lesson: Set your mind on Peace. Decide that nothing is going to upset you.

Sounds good. Got it. I set my mind on Peace and I decided that nothing was going to upset me, either. That felt great, for 10 whole minutes. Until I reached for my iPhone to make a phone call and literally gasped out loud when I couldn't find the picture of the little green phone. Key Pad, gone. List of contacts, gone. Ability to make calls, gone. Peace on my mind, gone.

My only connection to the outside world was the ability to text. I immediately texted a friend and asked for some ideas. She suggested restarting my phone. No luck. Then she suggested I seek the help of Siri.

I won't dwell on my strong feelings about Siri. The bottom line is, she's useless. I tried using her to send a text once. The phrase she was supposed to send was "put my mind at ease." The phrase that Siri actually sent was "Please find my diddies."

But in my desperation, I asked Siri for her help today. She referred me to 4 different Tai Food Restaurants in New York City. Siri is officially dead to me.

Two hours and one panic-induced hyperventilating attack later, my friend solved the problem and walked me through the steps of how to reset my Home Page.

Crisis over and soon after I was wrapping myself back up in my quilt, knowing exactly who was responsible for that entire fiasco.

I blame Joyce Meyer.

We did. We do. We will.

My husband and I were married on January 30th, 1993. Thinking back over the past 19 years, I'm amazed. We were High School sweethearts and we married at the young age of 21. Statistics say that 60% of marriages between the ages of 20-25 end in divorce. I would venture to guess that we had people place bets against us. In fact, I know they did.

Each year any marriage survives is worthy of a celebration, especially when you consider everything you've been through.

We have four kids ranging in age from 4 to 18, a total of 5 moves within the first 10 years, job changes early on, my return to college, etc...etc....

But the things that come to my mind first are a little different.

Let me give you a few examples:
Our marriage has survived 19 years despite the time that.....

He tied mattresses to the roof of our car with nylon string, which eventually sent them flying across the interstate into the path of an oncoming semi.

I demanded we take our dog to PetSmart, broke my promise about making the dog ride in the cart the whole time and when the dog hiked his leg and peed on a shelf of stuffed toys, I peed my pants laughing and he made me sit on a tarp all the way home.

I was having an allergic reaction and he wouldn't take me to the hospital because the Buckeyes were playing.

I got stranded on the roof of our 2 story house trying to hang icicle lights for Christmas.

He super glued a crack in our toilet seat and didn't tell me before I sat down on the wet glue. Then it dried.

In a moment of panic, I sprayed a fire extinguisher all over our living room when one of my candles broke.

He encouraged me to enter a pizza eating contest because I "could totally win."

I didn't realize the mower blade broke and continued mowing while leaving trenches across the front of our yard.

He tried to roll a partially full water bed mattress down our flight of stairs and out our front door because he got tired of waiting for it to empty. I ended up in front, he lost control, and it chased me outside onto our front yard. I was naked. The neighbors were outside.

I saw a raccoon in our yard but couldn't tell if it was dead or sleeping so I aimed the BB gun out our dining room window and accidentally shot our propane tank.

A few days after the 9/11 tragedy, he bought and filled 6 gas cans and strapped them to the roof of our van in Hilton Head on the advice of someone who informed us that our state was "all out of gas." We drove our bomb all the way home and he actually wondered why everyone was getting out of our way. I'd like to think we're smarter now. Or at the very least, we seek advice from smarter people.

When he sat in the hospital room watching basketball, eating McDonalds and asking me to "try to hold it down" while I was in labor.

He used a bow and arrow to try to shoot a raccoon in our garage but shot through our refrigerator instead.

My addiction to home remedies led him to having to dig a clove of garlic out of an area I think would be best left unspecified.

We took our kids tent camping for the first time, forgot firewood and he tried to use pot holders to gather burning embers from other campsites. He quickly found out that when you run holding burning embers, they burst back into flames. Who knew?

And yesterday at church when he leaned over and informed me that I "ruined Communion" because I started clapping for the piano solo....and I leaned over and told him to bite me.

Welcome to marriage. Crazy? Yes. Hard? Of course! Worth it? Definitely. God brought us together and God doesn't make mistakes. Although I suspect He wonders what He was thinking every now and then.

We beat the odds. We're still beating the odds. And we'll continue to beat the odds.

Because the vows don't say "I DO....for as long as we're still happy together." They say "I DO...until DEATH DO US PART." Granted, much of our marriage might be spent trying not to accidentally kill ourselves, each other, our kids or innocent bystanders, but when you're married to a person who can still give you goosebumps with one look from across a crowded room, you know you can survive anything.....even if that involves him putting a flaming match against my back because he thought he saw a tick on me.

Let's save that story for another time, shall we?

Simplify (This works.)

If you're a busy mom of busy children, one or more of whom is a picky eater, your dinner planning might just be the nightmare that mine used to be. If this applies to you, read on. If not, you might want to skip down to the bottom where I have a yummy recipe posted.

Either way, this is one of my rare blog entries that might actually serve a purpose.

In our house dinner time would sneak up on me and I'd find myself standing at the pantry wondering what meals I had ingredients for and would resort to throwing the same old things together. Besides the stress of waiting for frozen solid meat to thaw last minute, I'd have Z following me around the kitchen saying, "Yuck! Why are we having that again?!?" (Sigh)

So last month when I was finding things in my life to simplify, I was struck with an idea. I listed every single meal I make and came up with 31. I know that sounds like a lot, but I bet you'd be surprised if you actually started listing everything you cook from soups right down to grilled cheese sandwiches and good old trusty hot dogs.

Then I assigned a meal to each day of the month. To the best of my ability, I scheduled meals Z doesn't like the day after meals he does like so that he could have the leftovers for that meal.

Obviously, you have to allow for change. Holidays, going out to eat, etc.... You either plan ahead for those occasions and either skip buying the ingredients for that meal or you just carry over the ingredients until the following month if you've already been to the grocery.

And speaking of grocery, my next step was to divide the month into 4 sections. The 1st-8th, 9th-16th, 17th-24th and 25th-31. Then I created 4 separate grocery lists that include every ingredient needed for each of those meals including the main course and all side dishes. So at the beginning of each week, all I have to do is print off that weeks grocery list, and voila.

I realize this sounds like a lot of work at first. But once you get the details on paper, or in my case in my trusty Smart Phone, it's low maintenance and care free. And now that I'm 40, I realize how important those 2 qualities are in every area of my life.

We're on Day 19 of this new system and I have yet to find a flaw in it. I know beforehand if something needs thawed from the freezer. I know I have all the ingredients. And finally, and best of all, Z no longer asks what's for dinner. He simply checks out the chart and his OCD mind is able to accept that we're having that meal because it's that day of the month and not because I'm out to get him.
(He's inherited his father's drama.)

Finally, in my search for something to do with all of our leftover holiday ham, I stumbled upon this recipe for Ham 'n' Cheese Sliders. They are amazing and too good not to share.

Ingredients for Sliders:
24 pre-baked dinner rolls
Ham
Swiss Cheese
1/3 Cup of Mayonnaise (I substitute plain fat free yogurt for a healthier option)
1/3 Cup of Miracle Whip Lite

What to do:
1. Mix the Mayo (or yogurt) together with the Miracle Whip
2. Cut each roll in half, lather the mixture onto each half of the roll and add the ham and cheese.
3. Place the sliders close together in a large brownie pan.
4. Set aside while you make the sauce.

Ingredients for Sauce:
1 TBS. Poppy Seeds (Optional)
1 TBS. Yellow Mustard
1/2 Cup melted Butter (I use the Brummel & Brown for a healthier option)
1 TBS. minced onion (Optional)
1/2 tsp. Worcestershire Sauce

What to do:
1. Whisk together all of the ingredients.
2. Pour evenly over the top of the sliders.
3. Let sit 10 minutes or until the butter starts to set.
4. Cover with foil and bake at 350 for 12-15 minutes or until the cheese is melted.
5. Uncover and cook for an additional 2 minutes.

Serve warm and enjoy.

Below is my monthly list of meals. Feel free to use it as reference or reminder of the meals you might make or if you're just morbidly curious about what we're eating for dinner tonight. But my main goal for including it is as a safety net for myself in case I ever lose my phone or drop it in the dogs water....again. I'd be completely screwed.

1st: Cube Steaks
2nd: Potato Soup
3rd: Chicken Tacos
4th: Spaghetti
5th: Chicken Breast
6th: Roast
7th: Vegetable Soup
8th: Tacos
9th: Chicken Pot Pie
10th: Fettuccine Alfredo
11th: Hamburgers
12th: Chicken Noodle Soup
13th: Walking Tacos
14th: Chicken Cordon Bleu
15th: Lasagna
16th: Beef Stew
17th: Chicken/Broccoli over Rice
18th: Pancakes
19th: Chicken 'n' Noodles
20th: Enchiladas (Chicken, Beef or Cheese)
21st: Hot Dogs
22nd: Subs
23rd: Chili
24th: Grilled Cheese
25th: Sloppy Jo's
26th: Steak
27th: Steak Napoleon (Using leftover steak)
28th: Pizza (Homemade or frozen)
29th: Pork Steaks/Rice and Gravy
30th: Ham 'n' Cheese Sliders
31st: Goulash

Shake that thang....

When I look back at an old year, I imagine an Etch A Sketch full of lines and designs. Some of them are beautiful images that I cherish. Some of them are messy lines left by others that I'd rather forget.

By nature, I'm not a huge fan of change. But this year especially, God had ways of helping me transition into new phases of life. Unfortunately, those ways included miserable and sometimes humiliating circumstances that subsequently led me to actually crave the very change I once was dreading.

For instance....the night before I turned 40 began with a giant argument between my husband and son that led to a long drive with our dogs that included a stop at a friend's house, whom I hadn't seen in many years, who innocently brought her dog outside with her to greet us which ended with me standing outside her house trying to hold a normal conversation while our mini-van rocked back and forth with the sounds of our dogs ferociously attacking the windows while our daughters screamed and my husband periodically yelled "KNOCK IT OFF!"

As if that weren't bad enough, I arrived home to find red Kool-Aid dribbled across our beige colored Rec Room carpet and as I hauled out our carpet cleaning machine, my husband half-heartedly said, "I'll do it" but then remained in the bed under the covers watching football. Thanks for the offer.

I got the carpet cleaned and loudly announced that I was crawling into bed with my library book for the remainder of my 39th year of life on this earth and that I wasn't getting up until I turned 40. Ten minutes later, C puked on our sheets. I had to get up. I was still 39. Don't ever tell me that God doesn't have a sense of humor.

Needless to say, I welcomed 40 with open arms.

Remember that "To Do" list I mentioned in my previous post? Well, God gave me my next assignment. At first it didn't seem that hard, but as usual, Satan got involved and stirred up crap that ultimately led to a huge fight with my husband on New Years Eve.

Goodbye 2011. You screwed with me so.

But the beautiful thing about an Etch A Sketch is the ability to shake it clean! Do over! Fresh start! Clean slate! Blank canvas! A new beginning to create new amazing images and lasting memories.

But in order to do that, you've gotta shake off the old. Forgive yourself. Forgive everyone around you. File away the awesome memories you created last year. Leave behind the craziness you'd rather forget. Take note of any negative situations and make the necessary adjustments in an effort to create peace for yourself and your family. And by all means, make a conscious effort to protect your Etch A Sketch.

So welcome to 2012! Now go ahead and shake that thang!!!!