The 4th of JuWHY!?!

Last year, we made it through July 4th with no gaping wounds, public intoxication, or run ins with the boat law...looking at you 2019...So I mistakenly thought we'd graduated to being like a normal family.

Enter 2021. 

On Friday the 2nd, we participated in a sunset kayaking photo shoot. With 2 dogs even. Other than Kearstin and Caymen being unable to steer their inflatable kayak and having to be towed behind Ron all evening, it was smooth sailing. The girls blame the kayak. Let's just say the rest of us...don't blame the kayak. 

And if you happened to be there, there were 12 of us, so don't come at me if we bumped into your group and ended up in your sunset pictures. We can't control everything and it could've been way worse. Just ask the paddle board lady wearing the giant hat.

But let's not digress.

The 3rd was a typical Saturday around here- all the kids were over, tons of food, swimming, volleyball, and hanging the babies from the ceiling on bungees. 

I said typical, not normal.

That night, we took the boat to watch the fireworks and nothing eventful happened. No, seriously. We didn't even get called a**holes. Oh, wait. There was that guy recklessly speeding through the anchored boats not paying attention, so Zac blasted our insanely loud Trump Train horn as he passed and the guy almost jumped out of his boat...and from the look on his face, might've crapped his pants. He probably called us a**holes, but don't start none won't be none is our motto. 

My point is, there was absolutely nothing abnormal to report that day.

On the 4th, we took our new tube out for the first time. Yes, it looks like a giant couch being pulled behind our boat, but that's the consequence of Ron letting a 6 year old boy choose whatever tube he wanted at the boat show. Ridiculous, yes. Also normal.

For dinner we boated to a local burger place on the water, parked beside a boat that had 2 dogs, and our 4 dogs wreaked havoc and turmoil on their dogs until they finally left. 

I never said our dogs weren't a**holes.

At 10:30 that night, we boated back to our dock and everything went great, right? 

Of course not, why are we here?

Ron pulled the boat into the dock. Close enough to the side dock where we could get off the boat, but he kept it pretty far from the front dock because our engine was still down. Zac was the first person off the boat because he helped guide it into the dock. 

So. Knowing the drill, the dogs raced to the front of the boat to get off next. Quincy led the way. Then I saw Zac look down into the water between the boat and the front dock and yell, "Quincy!"

 And I calmly said, "You're lying."

Here's what you need to know about Zac.  He knows my dogs are my babies and both Bam Bam and Emma still have PTSD from last year when on separate occasions, they each ended up in the dock water trying to get off the boat. Also, he pushes my buttons every chance he gets and he has a poker face to back it up. Thus my reply. "You're lying."

But then he disappeared with a splash into the water between the boat and the front dock and everybody started screaming. 

Okay. He's probably not lying.

I threw my stuff down, climbed off the boat, knelt on the side dock, and began trying to pull my soaking wet grown man/son out of the water while he clutched my soaking wet Quincy.

That's when we heard the second gigantic splash followed by a second round of everybody screaming.

Before we could say what the hell, we heard a third giant splash as Barbara plunged into the black water after Emma, the 150 pound German Shepherd who had either panicked and tried to make the jump from the boat to the front dock...or she was trying to help. 

My money's on panic. 

There was no "third round" of screaming, because everybody was still screaming from the second round, except now there was crying and also peeing. 

Listen. Two of my kids were in the bottomless black dock water saving 2 of my fur babies while I was on one dock trying to pull 2 out and Caymen was on the other dock trying to pull the other 2 out and the rest of my family was on the boat screaming and there ain't a Kegel in the world strong enough to hold a bladder's worth of urine under those circumstances, so yeah. I began peeing freely on the dock and that was the least of our worries, so no need to focus your judgment on me.

Ron was finally able to get off the boat to help pull everybody out. Emma being the biggest issue as she rapidly absorbed the lake and bloated to a hefty 300 pounds of wet fur and water. Poor Barbara came out of the water bleeding from the sharp barnacles on the dock as she fought to keep Emma's head above the water. 

Where's the boat police when everybody's sober and you actually need 'em, am I right? 

So that's how our 4th of July weekend ended...5 of us riding home soaking wet and smelling of lake, wet dog, and urine. 

Nothing new here. Just us being normal.